Where to start… friendships

I feel like I need to explain my whole life story but that won’t be happening any time soon unless I plan to dedicate every waking moment of my life to my blog so I am going to try and fill you in the best I can. I guess a good place to start would be my friendships. I have had many let me just stat by saying. I am not that girl who has had a best friend since Kindergarden like some people and trust me I wish I did. I can honestly say I don’t know if I have ever had a “best friend.” Trust me though I wish I did. Doesn’t every girl. My tightest friendship has been with Ashley Mae. We have been friends for 5 years now and it has been the hardest 5 years of my life. We get in fights all the time and my mind just tells me that it is because we aren’t best friends but sisters. I have yet to truly believe that. I feel like most of the time we are more frenemies than anything. I am amazed that I have stuck with her for this long but I can’t imagine life without her. She has been there through most of it all but we fight all the time and it is hard… to say the least. I could go through and tell you all that has gone wrong with our friendship and then tell you what has gone right but I don’t know where to start on either end. Our most recent debocule seems like the only place to start right know since that is the only thing on my mind. Like I said early I haven’t had a best friend since Kindergarden but Ashley has and obviously it isn’t me! She has and still to this day has been best friends with one girl for 11 years now. And I am fine with that except she is a girl who believes that you can on have one best friends and the rest are just bystanders. And that is something that is very hard for me to comprehend. I don’t want her to stop being friends with Kendra (the best friend) but I want her to be best friends with me and I don’t know if we are or ever will be. No matter how long I am friends with her Kendra will always have a good 6 years on me that I will never be able to gain. I am a very jealous person and that sucks I try to hold it back but it is my personality it just comes out and I hate that I am not her 1st favorite, especially considering I don’t have anyone else that I would consider my best friend or any where close to that. I would say from my personal stand point that I am not an easy person to be friends with. And that comes from the fact that I only have 1 good friend and I can’t seem to keep friends. I am a bitch in most peoples mind but that is just because I like to be the leader and I am very head strong. But that is the reason that I believe I don’t have friends and that is why I am so jealous of Ashley and Kendra’s friendship. I am one of those girls who thinks about the future. And what I have come to realize is that Ashley and Kendra will walk graduation together and since I don’t have any other friends that are close to me I will walk with some werido and look like a fool. So I have come to realize that I need to find a BFF in my junior year or I will be the freak with no friends. Ashley and Kendra are so close that it sucks to be around them together. They have BFF hand shakes, (which I know is a weird thing to want as a 16 year old but I want that) and finish each others sentences. I want what they have and I don’t think I will ever get it in my high school years. Kendra will go to Ashley’s wedding and vice versa but will Ashley come to mine?? How about the fact that Ashley invited me to Vegas for her brothers 21st birthday with her whole family 2 months before the occasion and Kendra went?? Do I sound like a brat because I am like this?? Ashley is in band with me that is the one special time I get with her when Kendra is around to ruin it. I felt like such a bad person when Ashley informed me that Kendra might be joining band our junior year. Luckily that didn’t happen but is awful that I am glad it didn’t?? I don’t know what to do sometimes. For Ashley’s birthday Kendra spent the night at her house… i wish that had been me. I wanted to be there for her on her special sweet 16 but she didn’t want me there she wanted her best friend of 11 years. I did hang out with her on her special day but with her huge family, Kendra and another friend. Ashley sat at the head of the table Kendra on her left, then Alexa (another friend), then me. And to her right she put her presents and then her dad, her mom and a whole line of family. The restaurant set up three tables all lined up together and I felt like I was stuck at the parents table. I couldn’t hear a thing Ashley said and I sucked it up cause I didn’t want to be a downer on her special day. I was going to sit next to her but as I pulled the seat out to sit down Kendra sat in it. The rest of the night just got worse and worse Kendra was rude to me the whole night and Ashley just laughed along with her. When Alexa had to leave Ashley and Kendra…. and I walked her out to her car and said goodbye and watched her as she drove off. When I left I didn’t even get walked to the door. Nor did anyone say goodbye to me. I felt more appreciated by the fact that when I left her mom said goodbye, from the couch in the living room than by someone who was supposed to be my best friend. I feel awful that I am so jealous of Kendra and Ashley’s friendship. Of course they have a stronger friendship but I wish mine and Ashley’s just somewhat compared. And to end this post well I was in a bad mood that night when I got home and posted on facebook “I have had better days” Ashley commented on it why?? I didn’t reply cause I didn’t feel I needed to over a facebook status. If she cared she would have texted me. The next day she finally texted me a good 12 hours later and asked what happened. I was still hurt from the night before so I just said it doesn’t matter I don’t want to talk about it and now Ashley isn’t talking to me at all. 

Advertisements

One thought on “Where to start… friendships

  1. I hate to say this but I don’t think this Ashley girl is the right “bestfriend” for you. I’ve also had experience with people who don’t seem to consider you their bestfriend while you think of them that way and it can be really hard to deal with! You should consider spending more time with other kids in band or within your friend group! (:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Where to start… friendships

I feel like I need to explain my whole life story but that won’t be happening any time soon unless I plan to dedicate every waking moment of my life to my blog so I am going to try and fill you in the best I can. I guess a good place to start would be my friendships. I have had many let me just stat by saying. I am not that girl who has had a best friend since Kindergarden like some people and trust me I wish I did. I can honestly say I don’t know if I have ever had a “best friend.” Trust me though I wish I did. Doesn’t every girl. My tightest friendship has been with Ashley Mae. We have been friends for 5 years now and it has been the hardest 5 years of my life. We get in fights all the time and my mind just tells me that it is because we aren’t best friends but sisters. I have yet to truly believe that. I feel like most of the time we are more frenemies than anything. I am amazed that I have stuck with her for this long but I can’t imagine life without her. She has been there through most of it all but we fight all the time and it is hard… to say the least. I could go through and tell you all that has gone wrong with our friendship and then tell you what has gone right but I don’t know where to start on either end. Our most recent debocule seems like the only place to start right know since that is the only thing on my mind. Like I said early I haven’t had a best friend since Kindergarden but Ashley has and obviously it isn’t me! She has and still to this day has been best friends with one girl for 11 years now. And I am fine with that except she is a girl who believes that you can on have one best friends and the rest are just bystanders. And that is something that is very hard for me to comprehend. I don’t want her to stop being friends with Kendra (the best friend) but I want her to be best friends with me and I don’t know if we are or ever will be. No matter how long I am friends with her Kendra will always have a good 6 years on me that I will never be able to gain. I am a very jealous person and that sucks I try to hold it back but it is my personality it just comes out and I hate that I am not her 1st favorite, especially considering I don’t have anyone else that I would consider my best friend or any where close to that. I would say from my personal stand point that I am not an easy person to be friends with. And that comes from the fact that I only have 1 good friend and I can’t seem to keep friends. I am a bitch in most peoples mind but that is just because I like to be the leader and I am very head strong. But that is the reason that I believe I don’t have friends and that is why I am so jealous of Ashley and Kendra’s friendship. I am one of those girls who thinks about the future. And what I have come to realize is that Ashley and Kendra will walk graduation together and since I don’t have any other friends that are close to me I will walk with some werido and look like a fool. So I have come to realize that I need to find a BFF in my junior year or I will be the freak with no friends. Ashley and Kendra are so close that it sucks to be around them together. They have BFF hand shakes, (which I know is a weird thing to want as a 16 year old but I want that) and finish each others sentences. I want what they have and I don’t think I will ever get it in my high school years. Kendra will go to Ashley’s wedding and vice versa but will Ashley come to mine?? How about the fact that Ashley invited me to Vegas for her brothers 21st birthday with her whole family 2 months before the occasion and Kendra went?? Do I sound like a brat because I am like this?? Ashley is in band with me that is the one special time I get with her when Kendra is around to ruin it. I felt like such a bad person when Ashley informed me that Kendra might be joining band our junior year. Luckily that didn’t happen but is awful that I am glad it didn’t?? I don’t know what to do sometimes. For Ashley’s birthday Kendra spent the night at her house… i wish that had been me. I wanted to be there for her on her special sweet 16 but she didn’t want me there she wanted her best friend of 11 years. I did hang out with her on her special day but with her huge family, Kendra and another friend. Ashley sat at the head of the table Kendra on her left, then Alexa (another friend), then me. And to her right she put her presents and then her dad, her mom and a whole line of family. The restaurant set up three tables all lined up together and I felt like I was stuck at the parents table. I couldn’t hear a thing Ashley said and I sucked it up cause I didn’t want to be a downer on her special day. I was going to sit next to her but as I pulled the seat out to sit down Kendra sat in it. The rest of the night just got worse and worse Kendra was rude to me the whole night and Ashley just laughed along with her. When Alexa had to leave Ashley and Kendra…. and I walked her out to her car and said goodbye and watched her as she drove off. When I left I didn’t even get walked to the door. Nor did anyone say goodbye to me. I felt more appreciated by the fact that when I left her mom said goodbye,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s